Between Bolts: A short story about Self-Efficacy

Self-efficacy. "The belief we have in our own abilities, specifically our ability to meet the challenges ahead of us and complete a task successfully." if there is anything I have stood on a soapbox about, over and over again, it is my belief that when you push yourself in the outdoors, the skills you gain are transferrable to your every day life. When you get comfortable with being uncomfortable, when you're pushed beyond what you know and you have to adapt, when you reach your limits and you have to cope, all of this builds are self-efficacy.

Ten Sleep, Wyoming...

...the place that taught me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

I started a new job this week (clearly, several weeks into the school year already); teaching 13 teenage boys in a self-contained classroom for behavior. I've been in the field for 7 years now but this...this is a challenge like no other thus far. I fought tears mid-day, used all of the coping strategies I've been teaching for years, and still cried after the kids left, in the car, and again at home on Monday and Tuesday. I kept questioning why I would throw myself into this kind of situation, at this stage in my life, when I had my previous program running like a fairly well-oiled machine. I was feeling trapped by my own "poor" decision to change jobs and wishing I could just quit and go back. I had so much "Why?" bouncing around in my head.

This afternoon I stayed late again to try and re-create my classroom and I was creating schedule cards when I suddenly pictured myself high up on a route, between bolts, in that oh-so-familiar state of panic. That moment where you find yourself white-knuckled and wanting to scream "why the FUCK do I keep doing this?? Whhhhyyyy am I UP here right now?!" Or when you want to yell to your partner, "I HATE rock climbing! TAKE! Put me down!" Then I imagined that hyper-focus that sets in when you decide to push on. That magical zen state that blocks out any more negative self-talk, any doubt, any fear. I thought about that feeling when you push through, clip the next bolt, keep climbing, hold that focus, clip the anchors, and that sense of "WOOOOH, I f*%$#^ EARNED it!" comes over you. And you're positive this is something you'll NEVER stop doing.

EARNED it.

I realized I'm between bolts right now; legs shaking, arms pumped, scanning the wall for the next jug, calculating the moves to that next bolt. Picturing myself in that familiar state of semi-panic brought a sense of calm over me. I thought, "I've been here before. I know this place." And then I didn't cry today. I felt a sense of commitment settle in. Instead of hearing repeats of "what have you DONE, Lauren?!" I started hearing, "This is what you DO, Lauren. This is ALWAYS what you do because you love it."

Self-efficacy. "The belief we have in our own abilities, specifically our ability to meet the challenges ahead of us and complete a task successfully." Challenge-based adventures lead to overcoming failure, pushing past self-doubt, and learning that YOU. ARE. CAPABLE.

I'm in it, so on to the next bolt.