There
was a moment in Wyoming when I realized I wanted to be a mom. I mean, I
always knew I wanted to have kids, but this was the day I realized something
bigger.
It
was the summer after D and I got engaged. I had commitments (including my
own bridal shower) that required me to shorten my climbing trip out west, so I
flew out to meet my adventure-partner-in crime, Meg, in Ten Sleep, Wyoming for
a few weeks.
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| He made me clean his route before he proposed... |
The
summer before, D, Meg and I had circled through Wyoming, Idaho, Montana,
and Colorado for a month and half of camping, climbing, and taking massive rest
day hikes. I started leading routes that felt bold and exciting to me, pushing
my limits and feeling the rush of adrenaline balance with the zen of finding
that flow. I was sending, taking big whips, and going for it. I fell
completely in love with Ten Sleep Canyon.
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| The climb that lit a fire in me for taking the lead... |
This
time, I wanted all of that again. But everything felt different. I
was struggling to climb routes I had lead the year before. I was
over-gripping in fear of falling, I was opting to top-rope instead of leading,
I was backing off climbs that should have been warm-ups. I was
frustrated, distracted and stuck in my own head.
The
moment came to me slowly at first, but then quickly became heavy, real and
unavoidable.
We hiked up to a route I had lead and loved the summer before. I pretended to be psyched to lead it again. I started to rope up...and then I started crying. Meg asked what was wrong, told me it's ok, encouraged me to sit it out and regroup. I mumbled a bunch of nothing about how I couldn't focus and was scared and frustrated. Then I sat and stared out at the canyon.
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| A view that can crack you wide open |
I
talked with Meg and a fellow climber as we packed up our gear. He asked,
"Are you worried about getting married?" I had an easy and
immediate answer to that, "No! I'm excited!" He asked,
"But are you worried things will change when you get married?" I
explained that wasn't it either, that D and I are passionate about the same
things, that we want the same lifestyle. He looked at me quietly for a
minute. Then he said, "You want kids, don't you..." That
was it. "That will definitely change things." It all sank
in...and I felt lighter.
I
need these moments. Moments in wide-open canyons, in the mountains, roped up to
a good friend, crying to strangers, in conversations around campfires. These
moments bring me to think deeply, dream big and love fiercely. I need to go to
extremes, to live big and to be fully immersed in the things I love to be the
best version of myself. And I was battling with the possibility that I might
have to let this all go.
Then,
the bigger realization. These are the moments I want for my children. I wanted
to be a mom, but more than anything, I wanted to be a mom that loves her life
because she didn't leave it behind in the wake of motherhood. I wanted to be a
mom that teaches her kids to live passionately by example and not through old
photos or stories from a past life.
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| Back on lead and projecting to end the second trip |
As
we prepare to welcome our second child into the world, I feel ready to push on
as a family of four. I still dream big
of cross-country road trips, summers in canyons, deserts and mountains, days of
throwing myself at rock, roping up for heart-pounding leads, bathing in icy
rivers, spending night after night under the stars, sitting around the campfire and crawling
into a sleeping bag happily layered with dirt and exhaustion. These dreams are the blueprint for whats ahead, I do not doubt it at all anymore. I intend on turning these dreams
into very real moments for myself, and my whole little family, for a very long time.
Thank
you, Wyoming.
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| Meg watching the last of the sun across the canyon before another head-lamp-hike out |
